Nasser Hussain’s underpants…

I like former England captain Nasser Hussain. He played the game with passion. He has a sharp mind and brings it to the commentary box. He has an excellent sense of humour and gets most things right most of the time.

He has played 96 Test matches for England too. He told Ravi Shastri this.

Good bloke. Nasser Hussain. Top bloke.

Nasser Hussain wants DRS implemented so that his kids will not be confused when they are watching the cricket. Fair enough. Often, a good test for something that needs a change is if you can explain the status quo in simple terms to a kid. They need to get it. It is not the only test. But it is a good test. For example, I would not personally try to explain the free trade agreement to kids before deciding that it is in urgent need of a thorough overhaul. However, kids do not need to know the free trade agreement. Kids are cricket’s future fans or players. They need to understand the rules of the game. Fair enough.

Nasser Hussain, said he tried to explain the Harbhajan Singh “out” decision to his kids and got his undies in a terrible, terrible knot.

I don’t know about him. But I may have tried this:

Harbhajan Singh was out because the on-field umpire gave him out even though replays suggested he was not out. It was a genuine case of an error in judgement; human error. Human errors happen in every walk of life. It happens on the cricket field too.

This may have been an important moment for Nasser Hussain to seize to educate his kids on a very important lesson in life. Mistakes happen. We need to learn to accept them.

Instead, he may have tried explaining the “out” decision to his poor, unsuspecting kids by saying,

Harbhajan Singh wasn’t actually out, but was given out because the technology that would have otherwise reversed the original on-field decision was not available, and that was because BCCI blocked the use of that technology due to error-percentage, price, lack of clarity on “who pays”, sheer obstinacy, pig-headedness and other reasons, including the fact that we did terrible things to the BCCI when we were “in power” and, before that, we ruled India and overstayed our welcome in that land by many, many years and were finally driven out by a small man in a loin cloth about whom Attenborough made a highly acclaimed movie that went on to win…”

The kids had heard a bedtime story. They went to bed.

Poor Nasser Hussain though. He had gotten his underpants in a terrible knot. He had to make a late-night dash to Marks & Spencer to purchase a new pair of underpants!

But, Nasser Hussain is a good man. He played the game with passion. He reminded us yesterday that he had played 96 Tests and this gives him the right to call the BCCI approach to DRS “a disgrace”!

Someone should tell him that people who have played far fewer games (than he has) have called the BCCI a disgrace. I haven’t played at all and I have called the BCCI’s stand on DRS a disgrace! Nasser Hussain need not have played 96 Tests to voice his opinion on anything.

The fact, however, is that he could not explain the Harbhajan Singh “not out” decision to his kids. He wants the DRS so that he can be more effective in explaining cricket’s already complex rules to his kids. This is his rationale (not his primary rationale, but an important one) for his disgust at The BCCI for not wanting the DRS.

Well, if his Saturday was bad, he is probably whipping himself into a fit of uncontrollable rage on Sunday! Imagine the state of his new underpants as he explained to his kids what happened on Sunday to his former team mate, Ian Bell.

Try and imagine Nasser Hussain saying to his kids…

See… What happened was this:

• this batting bloke hit a shot
• the fielder bloke dived on the boundary line
• the batting bloke thought the fielder bloke made a hash of it
• the fielder bloke was sure he had made a hash of it
• the viewing blokes all thought that the fielder bloke had made a hash of it
• the batting bloke signaled to the scorer bloke to add 4 runs to his score
• the batting bloke felt he needed a cup of tea and a leak
• the non-batting bloke pointed out to the batting bloke that self-declaration of a boundary and self-declaration of a tea-break are not according to any agreed protocol
• the batting bloke said to non-batting bloke that it was too late and that he had already signaled 4 runs to the scorer bloke
• the batting bloke admitted that he had also become TV producer bloke’s boss bloke and requested the TV blokes to cut to tea-time ad breaks
• the non-batting bloke asked the batting bloke if the umpire blokes had any role to play in this at all
• the batting bloke suddenly remembered something was awry and hit himself on his forehead with his bat, but by then, both the batting bloke and the non-batting bloke had reached the boundary line
• the umpires side-kick bloke asked the batting bloke and the non-batting bloke to go back onto the field of play
• meanwhile the fielding bloke had gently ambled across the ropes and non-urgently lobbed the ball back to the field of play
• the fielding bloke wanted a cup of tea too
• one of the the fielding bloke’s team mates, the bail-breaker bloke, collected the ball and took the bails off
• the bail-breaker bloke asks the umpire bloke, “hey! are you in charge of this gig, or what?”
• the umpire bloke says to the bowling bloke, “Naah, I am just a sweater hanger.” points to the batting bloke and says, “Looks like that guy is in charge of this gig”
• all blokes then stand around worrying about when they might have a cup of tea
• suddenly the TV umpire bloke, who has had several cups of tea already lets out a big laugh and presses the “out” button
• the batting bloke remembers his acting lessons from 8th grade and does a good Russell Crowe bloke “shock” impersonation
• the batting bloke overdoes the shock impersonation a bit too much and his jaw detaches from his face and lies on the ground
• the crowd blokes go mad and start boo-ing — it is a funny English tradition quite similar to throwing plastic bottles in Kolkata, I am told
• the crowd blokes have had lots to drink too — not much tea but a similar looking brown liquid in plastic cups
• the umpires say they have had enough and walk off to have tea, although no one is really sure really whether they asked everyone to have tea
• the TV blokes do not know what is going on, but the producer bloke too has started taking instructions from the batting bloke
• by now the bartender at the ground has made his way to the dressing room to ask how much he should charge for a pint of brown liquid in a plastic glass. every one at the ground thinks the batting bloke is in charge of everything
• the prime minister of england rings the batting bloke and asks if interest rates ought to increase this month
• by now, the batting bloke is in charge of everything
• but the batting bloke can’t talk because his jaw is still on the ground
• the fielding blokes, meanwhile, make their way back to the pavilion
• no one is sure if the batting bloke is really out and no one knows if it is tea time even, but everyone can see the batting bloke’s jaw on the field
• the twitter blokes start arguing viciously
• everyone is either against the BCCI or the queen, it seems
• the TV producer bloke asks the batting bloke if he has cricket’s rule book, gets it and brings it to the studio
• but the TV studio is a bit cramped, like some studio in some 3rd world country so no space for rule book
• so the studio expert blokes cannot refer to rule books. so, a cliche bloke and former cliche bloke argue about cliches
• the batting bloke’s jaw is still on the ground
• the batting bloke starts crying in the meanwhile
• so the batting bloke’s captain bloke and the coach bloke wander across to the fielding blokes’ dressing room
• this coach bloke is a bit of a funny bloke
• coach bloke had just finished reprimanding one of his players, a turban bloke, for bowling to god bloke in the nets
• coach bloke thought that it was not in the “spirit of cricket” to have non-team turban bloke bowl to god bloke especially when god bloke’s team already has a turban bloke in it
• coach bloke says to his own team’s turban bloke, “you cannot bowl to god bloke”
• turban bloke asks, “why coach bloke?”
• coach bloke says, “against spirit of cricket… bloke”
• but that was yesterday.
• today, coach bloke looked to re-define “spirit of cricket”
• now, coach bloke and captain bloke knock on fielding bloke’s dressing room
• all blokes having tea
• coach bloke says to fielding captain bloke, “spirit of cricket, anyone?”
• fielding captain bloke says “well of course… bloke”, and turns to all his player blokes
• nod blokes
• batting bloke is asked to collect his jaw
• play commences
• the umpire blokes are booed by drunk blokes
• the fielding blokes are booed by drunk blokes
• the batting bloke re-affixes jaw and becomes full batting bloke again
• the umpire blokes say, “good then! we continue not to be in charge of this gig, but we had a nice cuppa tea at least”
• icc says “spirit of cricket”
• ecb says “spirit of cricket”
• bcci says “where is lalit modi?”

And so the play resumed…

The kids are asleep already, none the wiser!

Nasser Hussain needs another pair of undies.

Poor bloke.

— Mohan (@mohank on Twitter)