This is not a post about:
a) IPL is not cricket
b) IPL is cricket
c) IPL has issues such as conflict of interest, spot fixing, sexism etc.
These are some random musings.
I am a sucker for cricket and I’d like to know if there is any other forum to watch Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid play other than the IPL. And I play the fantasy league. In fact, that is the second most significant reason I follow the IPL. Also as mentioned by @gradwolf on Twitter, these are the only folks who seem to be watching the IPL.
I watch the pregame show on mute (only until they display the playing XIs so I could adjust my fantasy league team) for the fear of Sidhu taking Rahul or Sachin’s name and the foul stench of his breath and sense of humor that would emanate from the television set and cause nausea and increase in my blood pressure. I wish there were an option to visually mute Samir Kochhar whose skin tone displays a range that covers the entire Loreal skin tone chart, thanks to some heavy make-up. Also, the oil content on his skin could vary from bone dry like Bombay High to unexplored wells in Saudi Arabia. If it’s not make-up then I’d like to nominate him for the most curious biological specimen in terms of control over melanin and sebaceous gland activities.
Coming back to muting Kochhar, I think the mirror image of an L-shaped ad might do the trick since Samir invariably sits on the (TV screen) right hand side of the panel menagerie, feeding morsels of gossip and stoking emotions so the panelists species present in the studio could spit out some words at a frenetic pace and even clap their hands and sing and dance every now and then I don’t understand why one needs to resort to waterboarding as a means of torture when one could show the tape of this show to achieve far more effective results. They have even hired the services of Isa Guha since England is not represented well in the IPL, apart from Owais Shah (who?). Also, screw you, Eoin Morgan is Irish. Besides, Kevin Pietersen (even though not playing) is a South African. So. This move makes IPL a truly global phenomenon, representing all the “significant” cricket playing countries.
And if you thought IPL is appealing only to Homo sapiens, you’re dead wrong. They have specifically hired Danny Morrison to squeal at frequencies above 20,000 Hz in order to communicate with the animal and possibly the avian kingdom. Because I sure as hell can’t understand a damn thing he’s saying and I can guarantee that he sure as hell isn’t speaking below 20Hz where his consternations might escape my attention.
Also, one of these days, I need to ask the Lars Ulrich of the show how demeaning it is to wield his skilled hands upon the denouement of a cerebral gem from Sherry paaji. Every single time. Without fail. And how does he maintain that icy expression on his face? Does he have genuine fiduciary concerns as a result of which he had to sign up for this? What’s really going through his mind? Would rather flip those sticks in air and punch them straight into his ears to save himself the agony of listening to the audio and philosophical cacophony or hit his head hard enough against the drumhead membrane (are they made of cowskin? Alligator skin? Who cares.) to pierce it and seek refuge within its serene interiors. The odor and suffocation in that milieu would still be better than what he’s experiencing outside.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post. I guess I could have called it “A rant against IPL Extraaa innings and the ill effects of Ekta Kapoor’s F-U to English spelling” but I figured IPL and Ekta Kapoor in the title would repel all but one person on this planet from reading this post. That person would be me since I have the misfortune of proof reading it before hitting the send button.